i've been back on the east coast for a few days now, and am finding myself feeling like i'm still wearing sea legs back on land. this is the fourth year since i moved away from halifax, and the first time i've been back in twenty months. whereas the last time i was back, everything still felt familiar and the people who i saw were overwhelmingly people i already loved and cared about, it feels like a lot has shifted since then. the streets aren't as familiar; stores and bars have changed hands and undergone facelifts or just been boarded up; people have moved on or soon will be, i suppose like i have.
for so long, halifax was the place i identified most as home. that's no longer the case, and i think the combination of coming to that realization, and understanding that other things i'd thought to be true are less true, or perhaps are just true in ways i don't recognize, and also allowing my body to relax for the most it has in months, has resulted in a state of instability. i've spent quite a bit of this trip leaking and sleeping, and i think that's going to continue. it's the product of processing grief for things ending, and changing, and evolving. i am trying to adjust my legs back to land, and am hoping a trip to the fundy in a couple of days will help with that resettling. in the meantime, i am finding spots that haven't changed on me yet, and rooting into them to get some work done, and to process. i watched inside out this afternoon after spending much of the day camped out at one of the few places that hasn't quite changed on me yet, and i had a couple of ugly cries, which have been brewing (i should not be welling up at every episode of bones), and i caught up with an old friend, and i am taking space and taking stock.
we move forward or we stagnate. while i still don't know where i'll be in five years, i do know that i have a lot of concrete plans in winnipeg for the next year. i have a community there that has grown in the past six or so months. i have routine, and enough stability to keep me calm without making me balk. i don't know where home is completely, or even primarily, and i don't know if i will know that anytime soon. there are a few options. it's nothing that needs to be decided too soon though. and i'm sure it will change again, and again. and i just have to keep adjusting. my dear friend stew, who i maintain is one of the wisest souls i know, told me something a few years ago that continues to be relevant, and as i try to regain some solidity, provides some comfort: "you are an ocean; you have tides." i just have to remember to move with the ebb as well as the flow.
|samson took this photo of me prior to a photoshoot yesterday. i look much more peaceful than i have been feeling, but it's all part of being an emotional creature.|