Saturday, 6 December 2014

learning, or at least trying to

i made a very large mistake this week and hurt someone i care deeply about, and also hurt other people at the same time. the people in my life these days are all wonderful, loving, caring, kind creatures, and so are dealing with it in a way that i am not used to and that i feel like perhaps i don't deserve. which probably feeds into the mistake to an extent. i've been trying to sit with the consequences of my actions, and process the whole thing, and figure out how to be better. and how to accept the compassion that is coming to me in addition to the hurt that i've caused. i don't really know how to do that. i don't know how to deal with people who i have hurt and who can still be kind at the same time that they are in a lot of pain because of things i have done. i am used to anger, and negativity, and perhaps that is a large reason why i made what was a very self-sabotaging move.

anyway, i promised the person i hurt the most that i would figure my shit out, and take care of myself. see? very much not used to having someone hold me to self-care after i cause them a lot of pain. so i'm working on self-care right now, and hoping that it will allow some space in myself to process current self-disappointment and old pain and move on from both in a healthy way. it's hard, because i think to a large extent i feel like i shouldn't be being kind to myself because what i did was not kind at all. but i'm working on it, because i promised that i would. it's still early, and i'm not sure where i'm at in the process because large areas of my body still feel quite numb, but i am making the effort. so i am forcing myself to eat, and to eat healthier things because they are more nourishing, and drinking water, and not drinking coffee, and doing yoga every day but mixing restorative practices with the sweaty ones, and having herbal baths, and spending time with friends who are also far more kind and understanding than i can really fathom right now, and working on projects that use my hands and my creativity and eventually roping in my heart when i feel like it won't poison the project. because handmade things soak up the energy that goes into them during the making process, and i want to make things from a place of love and not of pain. because i've already created pain in other people, and it sucks a lot, and i want to only gift love.

i am also not sure that i want to share this in a blog post, because a lot of people who read this space also know me, and i wonder every time i write something more personal whether i really want it out in cyberspace. but then i think of the people i know who share their painful moments, and how i appreciate their honesty and rawness and them as people, and i hope that maybe this can be part of my healing process too. i don't know. i will probably flip-flop between regretting this post and being happy that i made it.

tonight, i am listening to the woolful podcast, and my beautiful roommate is making us supper, and i will maybe spin some wool because it is relaxing and it will be a christmas gift. so, i am working on being better. and i will continue working on it, because i have a sneaking suspicion that is a lifelong exercise. and i will (hopefully) be constantly amazed and grateful for the people in my life. 

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